'Magic Mike': Is He Worthy of a Pole Dance?

Many women have been bombarding me with the question, "Hey Matty, when are you going to review 'Magic Mike?'" Well ladies, your wish is my command.

I can sum it up for you in one word... gross.

Okay, I'm sorry about that. I'll be more professional about this.

Friday night I made it out to the theatre with full expectations of seeing the Mark Wahlberg vehicle, "Ted." But with that film being sold out, and my adoring fans begging me to see "Magic Mike," I said to myself, "What the hell, why not? Hundreds of women can't be wrong."

Well, you know what? Yes they can.

Have you ever seen the movie "Showgirls"? That film starred a young woman named Elizabeth Berkley, who we all know as Jesse Spano from the TV show "Saved By The Bell." That movie was specifically made so us men could go see her be naked throughout the film... and that's it. There was no plot. There was no intriguing storyline, and the acting was unpolished at best. How do I know this? Because I've seen it like, sixty times. See, the industry knows what the public wants, so they make a dumb film and then they gouge you for your money.

I have no problems with this. We're the idiots who pay to see it, and we don't seem to mind. And we're entertained, so everyone wins.

"Magic Mike" is the movie "Showgirls," but for girls. You know what? It could've been called "Showguys." All they did was take Hollywood's hottest male actors, throw them in a stripper film and then say, "We're gonna make some serious bank!"

But they forgot one key element to filmmaking. The story. To me, if you want your movie to work, it needs a good story. (Unless of course it's "Showgirls.")

The movie is loaded with hunks. As a practicing heterosexual male, I feel secure enough with myself to be able to pick out handsome men. And I will tell you, there is an abundance of them in this film.

The two biggest names in this romp are Channing Tatum (Mike) and Matthew McConaughey (Dallas) or as I like to call them, "Channhew McConatatum"... they're my "Brangelina." There's one more dancer too, his name is Alex Pettyfer. (Adam is his name in the film.)

Dallas is the grizzled vet out there on the catwalk. He owns a strip joint in Tampa, but he eventually wants to make it to the bigtime in Miami.

Mike is his boy. He makes some serious loot for Dallas.... You could say he's a great earner. Mike brings Adam (they call him "The Kid") into the business, and they all flourish. But Mike falls for Adam's sister Brooke (played by Cody Horn), and she ain't going to Miami.

So here's your story: "I'm a stripper, I'm going to Miami, I'm going to Miami, I'm going to Miami... I'm not going to Miami." THE END.

Just awful.

Now I'm going to tell you some more stuff.

I don't need McConaughey, that seasoned piece of wood, teaching me how to gyrate my hips, while throwing his cod-piece in my face. Although I can see how the chicks dig him. He has that Texas twang, and he can deliver a pretty funny line. Let me just say, he was much better in "A Time To Kill" than he was in this.

Tatum-tots, you're a good actor, but sometimes you can't deliver a line. In one scene, you were talking to Brooke. It took you 40 seconds to spit out the sentence. I was ready to scream out Billy Madison's famous line, "T-t-t-t-t-t-t TODAY JUNIOR!" Oh, and if I want to see you dance, I'll rent "Step Up 2: The Streets." You're a great dancer, I don't need to see you doing it nude. But seriously bro, I LOVED "Step Up 2." (That's a little secret not too many people know about me.)

One more. Cody Horn, You're very pretty. But you got to get that angry snarl off your face. At one point I thought I was watching "The Terminator." But I shouldn't blame that on you, you were supposed to play angry... you just frightened me.

Oh, and another thing: Steven Sodebergh directed this film. He's hit or miss with me. He gave us "Ocean's Eleven," (great). He also gave us "Ocean's Twelve," (terrible). Sadly, he missed with this one (for me).

Here's a question, will this movie be invited to any awards shows next winter? Sure it will. It will be sitting right next to "John Carter" at the Razzies. I guarantee it.

I didn't like this movie. But it's not for the reasons that you may think. I was fine with the male stripping. What I didn't like was the lack of effort put into the script. Call me, I'll help you write it.

Alright ladies, it's time for you all to tear me a new one. So have at it. I know many, MANY women that liked this film. Let me just remind you, I'm the professional here, so my opinion matters most. Just kidding. We all have our own opinions on movies, and nobody is ever wrong. That's the best thing about films.

The film is showing at AMC Essex Green Cinima. For showtimes click here.

Fun Fact: "Magic Mike" cost an estimated $5,000,000 to make. On Friday night alone it brought in just under $20,000,000. Like I said, this movie is going to have its G-string overflowing with cash.

Fun Matty Fact: I've been asked on three separate occasions to strip at bachelorette parties. I've turned them down.